Abuse Tactics that Everyone Should Know

Until society stops disregarding non-stereotypical abuse, it will never stop. Thus, there is nothing more important to me than people learning what abuse actually is--whether you like it or not, most of you don’t. However, keep in mind: if you got mad when I said people didn’t help and you scoffed when I said you probably don’t know what abuse is, you’re no better than they were.

*Notes: Firstly, I did not order these by importance whatsoever—putting more importance on one type of abuse over another would be rather antithetical to my purposes. Instead, I loosely ordered these because you need to know x before you can understand y. Secondly, I use the term victim instead of survivor as this is chronologically placed during the abuse. I don’t think survivor applies when you’re actively being abused; survivor implies past tense, completion. I did my best to make these examples as inclusive as possible for the varying relationships between victim and abuser. This means that the victim can also refer to victims of child abuse/neglect. As one myself, I am of the belief that children in such situations can be nothing but a victim. I find the term survivor unfit for child abuse/neglect as it denotes agency, the ability and choice to leave. It is precisely the lack of this which draws people to abuse/neglect children. I use the term victim for these two reasons.

The “no one could love you but me” cycle: arguably one of the most powerful manipulation and emotional abuse tactics out there, it convinces the victim that they need the abuser. This is commonly used on people who have already been isolated and torn down. The abuser does something hurtful, the victim confronts them, and the abuser attacks the victim for being the cruel one. This attack can take many forms, as discussed below, such as DARVO, pity parties, word twisting, etc. Over time, this leads the victim to believe that they’re a bad person, that they don’t deserve love, and they would have no one without the abuser. This results in the victim forgetting the abuser’s transgressions, going back to them for emotional support and validation.

Reactive abuse: the abuser intentionally riles up their victim to make them mad. When they have a valid reaction, the abuser will completely stop and act like the other person is the abuser for “freaking out over nothing.” This is frequently used on people who have been abused for a longer time as their fight or flight response will be much more sensitive, meaning they’ll react bigger and sooner. This is also frequently used in videos that you see on social media and to manipulate police into siding with the abuser. The abuser usually ends this with the “no one could love you but me” bit.

Triangulation: putting someone in the middle. This is usually someone who always agrees with the abuser, or this involves giving the third person information that favours the abuser. This is very common in non-abusive situations, but is also used specifically to further abuse. An example might be a fight where the victim is asking the abuser not to smoke in their house. However, the abuser owns the house and retorts that smoking is their right. Later, the abuser lies to their friend that the victim was being pretentiously demanding that they quit smoking altogether because they think it’s gross. The abuser rants about the fact that the victim shouldn’t have become friends/roommates/partners with them if it was such a big deal. The abuser conveniently “forgets to mention” that the victim has severe asthma attacks from cigarette smoke. Naturally, this friend sides with the abuser. Whether the friend talks to the victim or not, the abuser can report this friend’s stance as a way to guilt trip the victim. This also plays into villainization.

Circular conversations: the sole purpose of these is to avoid resolution—if there’s no resolution but the victim is sick of having serious conversations, the abuser won. The victim i consistently baffled at the abuser’s feigned stupidity and spend the whole time trying to explain basic things to them like reason, cause and effect, communication, etc. The victim gets so worked up repeating and insisting, but it goes nowhere, and they feel so defeated that they don’t try again. This commonly results in the victim not saying why or when they’re upset, and the abuser using this against them in combination with reactive abuse. Abuser: “You never tell me why you’re upset.” Victim: “I’ve told you hundreds of times!” Abuser: “But you didn’t this time! How am I supposed to stop upsetting you if I don’t know what upsets you?!” Victim: “I’VE TOLD YOU HUNDREDS OF TIMES!!”

Covert physical aggression: this doesn’t mean assault so much as passive aggressive behaviour that is physical. This is usually “accidental” damage or setbacks to things the victim cares about or is working on. An example of this would be the victim putting in new flowers and the abuser “accidentally” trampling them with an excuse of fixing the fence. Then the abuser might brag to their friends about the victim’s gardening skills. This could also include “accidentally” breaking a mug that has sentimental value, “losing” a family heirloom, “getting hurt” by “tripping” over something that belongs to the victim, etc.

DARVO: this one is extremely common and is used to manipulate the victim into believing they’re the problem. This feeds into the whole “no one could love you but me” cycle. It stands for Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender. With DARVO, the victim confronts the abuser about something, the abuser denies it, they accuse the victim of something (usually minor, an insecurity of the victim, or something that had been settled a long time ago), and the conversation ends with the abuser saying that they’re the real victim. Because this is so common, it usually isn’t considered a sign of abuse when in reality this means that abuse is much more common than people want to acknowledge.

Family Scapegoating Abuse: this is when one member of the family is consistently singled out as being the cause of most/all problems. They are abused in ways that other family members aren’t, and the other family members are frequently brainwashed to side with the abuser. When the victim comes forward, they are frequently ignored, called a liar, and vilified. Because other relatives tend to side with the abuser, it’s very difficult for these cases to be taken to court. This also typically results in the victim having to cut out the entire family rather than just the abuser. Family scapegoating abuse is statistically more likely in families where both parents are abusive. This is most often discussed as being one child in families with multiple children, but it can happen to anyone in any family.

“I’m sorry you feel that way”: yes, this is an abuse tactic. It is a passive aggressive and dismissive form of gaslighting. It subtly but intentionally tells the victim that the abuser didn’t actually do anything wrong and slowly convinces the victim that they don’t deserve so much as an acknowledgement of their pain. This is another example of people thinking common behaviour isn’t abusive when actually abuse is common behaviour.

Discard and hoover: this is the abusive version of “on and off again,” which I’m sure we’re all quite familiar with in one way or another. The abuser treats the victim cruelly and discards them. After varying lengths of time, the abuser will take them back by being nice. If the abuser was successful, the victim is validated by and grateful for the abuser wanting them back. This is most commonly used with the “no one could love you but me” tactic.

Passive aggressive word twisting: the abuser accuses the victim of what they were accused of. For example, if the victim attempts to go no contact and says the abuser needs therapy, they’ll come back saying something along the lines of, “I understand. You can’t change enough to make this relationship work. I love you regardless.” This is another form of gaslighting, similar to “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It’s something that one can’t point out as stereotypically abusive and, thus, is harder to mentally fight against.

Pity parties: simply put, this is when the victim confronts the abuser about their behaviour, and it ends in the victim comforting them. The abuser turns on the water works, pretends to feel bad, and pretends to hate themselves. However, they never actually admit to the behaviour or change it. Instead, they’ll say things like, “I’m such a horrible person! You’d be better off without me!” avoiding the actual issue all the while. This guilt trips and manipulates the victim into staying with the abuser, forgiving them, and not bringing the subject up again. Some abusers will go so far as threatening or even “attempting” suicide. In these situations, self-hatred almost always plays a big role in why the abuser is abusive. While the comments about themselves may come from a place of truth, their promises to change do not. Moreover, the suicide threat/attempt is most often used to convince the victim to remain a victim.

Shifting the blame: when the victim confronts the abuser about their behaviour, they pretend to be sympathetic but blame the victim for the problem. This is another common trait in situations that aren’t typically considered abusive. Because the abuser typically refers to facts (in a false way), it’s harder for the victim to convince themselves that the abuser is wrong. It also guilt trips the victim into changing and adapting to the abuse. An example of this that I’m sure we’ve all heard is, “You’re overreacting because that’s how your ex treated you. It’s cruel for you to think I’d be like them.”

Subtle putdowns: the abuser being disinterested or hateful when they should be happy for the victim. Examples of this range from the abuser being disinterested when the victim gets home from vacation or the abuser radiating misery at a graduation. It’s commonly used early in relationships to begin the process of tearing down the victim in order to implement other tactics such as “no one could love you but me.” Unfortunately, this is rarely considered a sign of abuse and instead seen as the abuser simply being in a bad mood. In situations where a new partner is employing this in a public way, it’s rare for friends and families to react stronger than, “I don’t like them.”

Induced helplessness: this is when the victim goes to do something fairly simple, but the abuser jumps in and insists that they have to help. This is accompanied with anything from pity to annoyance and is, yet again, another example of abuse that isn’t socially acknowledged as abusive. This tactic is used to convince the victim that they can’t get by without the abuser—the slow tear down. If the victim repeatedly says they can do it, this results in the abuser becoming dramatically and overly defensive, saying they were just trying to help, saying the victim doesn’t need to get angry, etc. Thus, the victim is painted as the bad guy.

Rewriting history: while this sounds like not a big deal, changing tiny details can be used to convince a victim that certain abuses didn’t happen—that they’re making up all those little things that contribute to reactive abuse, that they’re mentally ill, that they’re lying in order to get the abuser thrown in jail, etc. It’s very important to understand that when actively dealing with abuse, most people minimise their own trauma in an effort to convince themselves that they’re ok. Thus, when I say, “little things,” that includes anything that the abuser would label as a minor or non-issue.

The silent treatment: this is commonly used as punishment for confronting the abuser and is weaponised similarly to the discard/hoover cycle. The victim feels that the abuser is the problem and confronts them. The abuser refuses to speak about it, triggering the victim’s mental health issues. They feel self-hatred and drop the abuser’s behaviour so that they can get validation again.

Bad mouthing the victim’s friends and family: this is intended to isolate the victim and is primarily used when they have a close relationship with anyone other than the abuser. Picking fights, criticising their loved ones over nothing, and blowing things out of the water is used to make the victim distrust these outsiders. Thus, when their loved one expresses concern over the abuser, the victim has reason to ignore them--“they said you’d do this!”

Vilification: if the victim does something that upsets the abuser, they will take this opportunity to tell people who are already on “their side” about how horrible the victim is. A personal example of this is that I went no contact with my dad several years back, and this deeply offended my grandparents--because the things he did to me are the same things they did to him. The three used this opportunity to say that I’m ungrateful and mad because I want money, that I’m agnostic/humanist (I guess it’s immoral to trust in morality), that the near fatal abuse was actually me being mentally ill (no clue how they got from a to b on that one), that I’m faking all my disabilities, and that I’m lashing out because I’m upset about… being disabled.

Intentional chaos: the abuser will do little things to make life unpredictable for the victim, and this is particularly harmful for children and vulnerable adults. The victim will end up spending all their time worrying about these factors and won’t have time to think about how the abuser shouldn’t be abusive. When our brains are in fight or flight, we tend to be incapable of higher thought processes, including critical thinking. The factors they mess with can be as simple as playing the tv loudly while the victim is trying to sleep. Children are particularly susceptible to this as they have no power to stop the chaos, and it’s extremely detrimental to all facets of their development. It is a very common tactic and/or consequence of child abuse and neglect. This is amplified if the child is neurodivergent (need for predictability), faces extra barriers from physically leaving the situation (mobility issues, living in the country, etc), is bullied and has few friends due to the neglect, has little contact with extended relatives, doesn’t have a trusted adult at school, etc.

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